There are days where I have difficulty looking at my son. Because he is so very perfect to me. He is so much of my entire world, and it is physically and emotionally hard sometime to think of the things in his life that I cannot control or protect him from. The idea that even as amazing and wonderful as he is, anyone would want to harm him or even dislike him, or lack regard for him at all, hurts my soul.
Today was a hard day. As my fears and anxieties grow stronger, I find myself paralyzed at times. Tonight, in an attempt to be in the moment, I took him to thy library for an impromptu visit. In the bright and colorful stacks, as he slept peacefully in his stroller, I had the sudden urge to just collapse into a chair and weep. I told myself to hold it together. To remember where I was and to ground myself in the mundane beauty of taking him around books and lovers of books. But I struggled.
I’d told my husband that we were stopping at the library so it was a nice surprise when I happened to look up and see him walking up to us. It brought me back.
But how do I stop these many mini breakdowns that are plaguing me? How do I stop feeling so afraid? And how do I mother in the meantime?